Needing to Let Go

Years of anger, of hurt,
self doubt and rejection,
thirty years of pain left to fester and blend.
Boiling in a poisonous stew
just barely beneath the surface
until it starts to splatter all who walk by
as it reaches the brim.

Needing to let go,
needing to find a safe place
to empty this deadly burden
without poisoning the water supply,
I gather it together,
haunting memories tucked away
scattered out of sight,
I cram it all into a pack
pulling it from every crevice of my being
and sling it onto my back
slinking off into the woods.

I continue walking
for days……… months……… years,
wanting to isolate myself
before I unleash my hatred.

The path grows longer before me
and my feet begin to feel heavy
as the weight on my back grows more and more.

How long has it been since I started this path?

Deciding I have carried the burden long enough
I pull the pack off of my shoulders
turning it over to empty the anger
onto the forest floor.

Nothing falls from the pack.
The hatred has hardened inside
refusing to let go.

I reach for a stick
poking and prodding at the hatred
in my pack.
It refuses to budge, instead
tries to pull me in
as the hatred climbs up the stick
reaching for any part of me
it can latch onto.

I look around the forest floor
searching for a weapon, a tool
I can use to dislodge this hatred.

Lifting a large rock
I hammer at the hatred
‘til my arms ache and can lift the stone no more.
I study my hatred
and realize I have only succeeded in chipping away small pieces,
new hate is growing in its place.

I stare deep into the pack,
how long have I shouldered this burden?
More time than I can tell,
I find I’ve become quite fond of it.

Who needs people when I’ve got my hatred to keep me company?

Picking up my pack
I place the burden on my shoulders
and walk back through the woods.
The long walk back,
I have bonded with my hate,
letting it creep back inside.

As I come into the clearing I see you
patiently waiting for me on the back steps.
I have been gone for so long.

You take my pack from me and set it aside
my heart feels buoyant, the healing is instant.
I look to find the hatred I had been holding onto for so long
has recoiled in the sight of your love.

© Michele Markley 2009